5 Months….

So what does that mean at the 5 month anniversary of our incredible loss? What does it mean as we navigate our new membership in a club we never, ever thought we would be a part of?

It means that it can happen. It means you relive the moment your heart split into a million pieces and you know it can never be put back together.

Bryan BauschIt can happen to anyone.


Did Bryan want to be an addict? Did he feel like, “Yeah! Look at what I’m doing to mess up my life, my health, my family!” Did he plan on this happening? Did he want to be in detox, rehab, sober homes? Did he want to live in fear for his life?

No, he didn’t. Why it happened, why him, those are questions that will never be answered. What I do know is he fought for his life, every minute of every day. Of that I am sure.

When he and I spoke about his addiction, trying to find the sense in what was happening, he turned to me and said:
“Do you think I want to be that guy? The guy who lies to his parents? The guy who takes and takes and causes this to happen??? The guy who hears his mom cry in the bathroom? Do you think I want to be an addict???”

Bryan BauschAbsolutely not.

That’s when I knew this was beyond a want, a need, a desire. This was and is bigger than I could ever imagine. Addiction is a monster. A monster that takes hold and tries to steal the mind, soul, and heart of our loved ones.

I wasn’t battling Bryan, I wasn’t fighting with my son, my sunshine, the one I called “bright eyes” because he was always so full of life. I was battling the monster who took possession inside of him, who wanted to take him from me, from us, from this world.

I fought that monster. Bryan fought it too, we all did. And we always looked for and found Bryan in the midst of this nightmare. He was always there, his heart, his love, his joy in life.
When someone becomes an addict it is no longer a choice. Yes, when they first try it, experiment, yes, that’s a choice. After that? When you’re an addict, when you have that propensity, it becomes a disease.

Bryan BauschWas he afraid?



Would the monster win? Could the monster win?

These were real fears and ones he took on and fought in order take his life back, to be there for his family, his brothers, his sister-in-law, his nephews, his cousins, his friends. He knew he had to fight and he did.


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